Dancing and Programming

Learning a dance is quite like learning a language.
Learning a programming language is also quite like learning a language.
Programming languages are actually quite similar to dances. There are first principles, from which order is built, and ultimately – structure. There’s a community behind each programming language, and behind each dance. You go through a unique language/dance-specific learning curve, and ultimately come to be able to express yourself in a new medium.
Learning to dance, and then engaging in that dance – mirrors learning a programming language and writing in it.
Ballet is like Assembler. Get to the metal, think in terms of the underlying mechanics of the body.
Tango is like C – you can go as deep into the hardware as you like, even down to assembly; but it’s a new way of thinking that helps humans connect. The jedis who have figured out Tango or C are an elite group, so it’s easy to be a tango snob or a C snob
Yoga is like NAND gates – because it’s not even dancing or programming, it’s the stuff that dancing and programming is made out of, man.
Fusion is like Python – because it embraced positive influences from many different branches of language it was exposed to, and arrived at something new, familiar, with recognizable roots, found a way to make it all work together, and of course there’s always work to get rid of the things that weren’t working well in your roots.
Zouk is like Ruby – because it’s just so nice to program. It’s already been thought of before you even needed it – you are taken care of. This move is allowed, and this language construct also. Igotchu. Take some of the best ideas around, and just make them work together in a bowl. Then, somehow, through the wonder of the sense they both make at their high level of abstraction, complex moves and concise multi-functional single-line commands – somehow you are more intimately connected with where you came from than ever before.
Ballroom is like Java. There are rules, man, and they’re very explicit, it’s a very competitive environment. Everything is specific, your thinking is structured for you, and you have to jump through a lot of hoops to get to where you’re going – but it’s a steady, trodden path, with a lot of support. A lot of innovation, leadership, good foundations… and a lot of legacy.
West coast swing is like C#. You’re just having fun doing it, it’s light, not too heady, gives you what you need really… It’s fast, energetic even. Many of the wild moves or code constructs you dreamed of – are possible.
Salsa is like Javascript. It’s the most popular dance/programming language. There are many different kinds of salsa and javascript. There are good salseros, and there are mediocre javascripters, and even bad ones. It’s so popular, it has everything. The highs can be high, the lows are low, and at this point it’s human nature in a blender.
Zouk is also sometimes Javascript ES6. The problems of being the most popular and trying to fit every need across every platform/culture/nation is apparent. But maybe it’s possible to unite and dance anyway!

Bad Habits

I think we’re born with “bad habits” – that is, random habits. For every type of thing we try to do there’s a natural, random, solution we first figure out – and all the little differences in the specificities of how it’s done are usually sufficiently inconsequential for the problem to be solved regardless of the inanity of the first attempt.

 
The process of mastery is attaining awareness of the humanly features that comprise a skill, then understanding a correct way of doing it, and ultimately with repetition establishing habits that replace the de facto preexisting random “bad” habits. I think ultimately, a bad habit is just a bunch of otherwise good habits munged together, it’s just noise in the neural wiring. There are several independent different great ways of achieving a particular class of results. Mastering each way, and then deliberately choosing the most elegant one for the situation is ultimate mastery.

Heroes

We stand on the shoulders of giants.

Every meaningful action infused with the spirit of the greats that came before.

My heroes are my inspiration, my anchors. They were there to guide me through difficult decisions, helped me get through desperate times, taught me to fall in love with the world and be a better person.

If I’m lost, they help me find my way. So in their honor, I wrote this list as a reminder for myself.

Steve Vai

Steve Vai is a master guitar player, who performs with his whole image – he is part of the music; it’s not just rhythm, melody, harmony, legato, attack – it’s a person, a body, a story. How he looks is often part of the performance (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yw74sDWPH7U).

He’s not my favorite musician. I like other things about music than what he likes to create and explore. There is an interview with him, though, which stuck with me more than what I’ve heard from just about any other musician – and which goes beyond just music (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=atGBKuCJ-Jc).

He says that before you can achieve something, you must picture yourself having achieved it.

I’ve found endless depth in that sentiment; until you understand each detail of what success, what the goal looks like – you are walled out from attaining it.

Thoughts manifest reality. The same idea to me is represented by a quote which I first encountered in The Iron Lady (a film), and its origin seems to sort of trace back to no person in particular, but is somewhat attributable to Bishop Beckwaith (https://quoteinvestigator.com/2013/01/10/watch-your-thoughts/):

Plant a thought and reap a word;
plant a word and reap an action;
plant an action and reap a habit;
plant a habit and reap a character;
plant a character and reap a destiny.

Arnold Schwarzenegger

For his relentlessness, and willingness to do whatever it takes to get to where he’s going. I wasn’t able to find the quote, but I watched an interview where he was talking about his bodybuilding phase, and said something to the effect of “At that time, if someone told me I had to eat a spoonful of shit every day to make progress – I would”.

Mark Twain

I admire his wit and intellect, however, the quote that I always come back to in my mind that reminds me of him has to do with the art of getting things done: “The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and starting on the first one.”

Amanda Palmer

A person I have deep respect for. Her approach to art is hugely influencial to me: her art is extremeley raw, and honest; the priority is connection, not perfection – and sometimes perfection can get in the way of connection.

A friend of mine, Momo Smith, has reinforced the same lesson for me – in the context of dancing. He said – it doesn’t matter if you’re dancing with the best follower, or a total beginner; that’s not what tango is about. He will have a good time with the person in front of him, and give his best.

Steven Hawking

To me, being talented is not even slightly inspiring; there’s no lesson in talent, no lesson in wealth, nothing to learn from people who are amazing and smarter than everyone else. All the lessons come from what people do with what they have. Steven Hawking did so much more with what he had than anyone would have thought possible. To me, that is a much larger lesson than any contribution to physics any one person can hope to achieve.

Van Gogh

Felt misunderstood and lonely, but persevered through emotional hardship; left his soul on the canvas, and connected with the void of the eternal human dialogue when he felt distanced from the people around him. He taught me that there is something greater than my immediate suffering.

Richard Feynman

Inspiring beautiful view of nature and the Universe fed by deep curiousity. He was able to communicate complex ideas in understandable terms. If you’re truly in love with what you’re curious about, it’s poetic, it conjures imagery, metaphor, and the complications fade away if a clear and honest picture is painted. He’s guided my love for the beauty of the world around me.

Tesla

Bottomless devotion and passion drives breakthrough, fosters a transcendental understanding of what you’re passionate about. Tesla was daring and courageous enough to explore realms no one else thought to explore, and he persevered through hardships, guided by his convictions, his drive towards mastery and understanding.

Alexander Pushkin

The most beloved Russian poet. When I had to study his work in high school, I was not yet into poetry. However, as I moved forward through life, I’ve experienced intimately relating to him and re-evaluating my understanding of his persona. He’s so famous and celebrated in Russian education, that it almost obscures the man behind the work, his beautiful soul.

The lessons, or personality traits, I found myself associating with him go beyond the appreciation of the quality of his work. As I’ve gone through my own relationships and created my own art, I found something different in him: a distant friend in spirit, a bright, beautiful light that shines its influence on me, infusing me with unabating love, that crosses the boundaries of circumstance, for the people that I’ve let into my heart.

Oscar Wilde

It’s easy to cherish the brilliant nuggets that our minds conceive of, that are tempting to take credit for – the process by which the ideas formed illusive and partially out of our control. I’ve been very attached to my intellectual achievements at various times.

Oscar Wilde imparted on me a very interesting departure from that in The Picture of Dorian Gray, as Henry conjures up magnificent thought castles, only to throw them away – beauty and depth can be one-off, a self-contained transient sketch. This has pushed me to strive for improvisation, and perfecting the mind, rather than the product.

Leslie Lamport

Leslie Lamport inspired me to start writing this. As I got interested in distributed systems – which are computer science artefacts, but in my mind are models for the whole world, not just computer systems – a lot of the material I found was down to earth, practical, non-fundamental.

But Leslie Lamport’s work goes so deep, and so broad, with eloquence, long-term perspective. The lessons I started to get from him transcended distributed systems – it was a deeper way of thinking, of improving the fundamentals of aspects of mind we take for granted. How much more he puts into his work than what his work is about staggered me, and got me to think of other situations where I felt so over-illuminated in trying to learn something new.

Jonathan Blow, Chris Avellone (Torment)

Storytelling pervades all human activity – whether you’re trying to understand relationships, or get hired, or raise funds for a company, present slides at a company’s all hands, raise children, connect with your partner by recapping your day – and I’ve encountered infinite approaches to telling stories.

I used to think storytelling is tied to spoken or written language. But storytelling pervades music, and mathematics, dancing, and – what got me to understand this in the first place – game design.

Jonathan Blow created Braid, and used game design to tell a deep, heartfelt, emotional story, which changed the way I think about relationships. And him using game design to do it changed the way I think about stories, games, design, communicating with an audience through a medium.

Planescape: Torment is a game that affected me in a similar way to Braid – on the emotional level. Both these games speak to the tragedy of the arrow of time: we can’t go back and fix our mistakes. And the game design, the character design – the medium of Planescape: Torment – creates a mountain, with a pedestal at the top, upon which sits a message that has helped to shape my choices, and learn from my mistakes.

What can change the nature of a man? On the monument they’d built, in golden letters they enshrined one answer to this question: “Regret”. We can’t change the past, but we can change who we are. It’s no simple thing to internalize a mistake and adjust for it. It takes years; it takes a monumental story.

Eminem

Eminem is an inspiration to me in many ways, and his music has been valuable for me in so many different ways; however, he is also a hero for what stands behind his art, his stories, craft, technique, and words.

His lessons are of resilience, and perseverance – hanging on to your truth through the lows of life, pushing forward, doing your best, speaking your mind with courage. Pain becomes art, and serves as fuel that drives innate desire for mastery.

At a certain point, the cares of what people think, the obstacles of your image don’t matter anymore. Staying true to yourself, following your instinct, shooting for the stars – is admirable, and somewhat desperate; it’s risky, it will never work. But sometimes you have to hang on to that, and persevere, believe in yourself, keep pushing forward, growing, creating, and things will fall into place.

Leonardo Da Vinci

I’ve only come to relate to Leonardo Da Vinci much later in life.

He’s a polymath and autodidact. I think that’s the way we should all live.

His endless breadth of aptitude and creativity, bridging art and science – is how a human should exist. That’s what a human mind is for: it’s for everything, it wants to grow. Different activities feed into each other as metaphors, and strengthen disparate aspects of congnition, and reinforce connection between different parts of the brain – it’s a non-linear process, and through this process profound discovery is made.

Starting something new requires boldness, being comfortable being a beginner. Making progress demands perseverance. Over time, it compounds in non-linear ways. The mind’s life is learning, making connections, always going into the unknown. There are no guarantees, no higher paycheck, no reward or payout – but this is the significant thing to do, and the path is available to anyone who wishes to walk it.

Faraday

Faraday grew up in a very simple family, and is largely self-educated. Having social and emotional support, he used books to guide him to become one of the greatest physicists of all time.

To me, the lesson is that education is taken, not given. We live in the age of the internet; Faraday lucked into having access to books, but today there is no excuse around having access to information. Curiosity and love fuel the long path of learning, and it’s crucial to have supporting relationships to survive the marathon – but knowledge and intellect can be won, not having any wealth, or background, or hands-on guidance.

Evariste Galois

A tragic story of loss for mankind – he died at 20 years of age, leaving behind an unparalleled mathematical legacy.

He actively participated in politics in France in times of turmoil. In spite of a complicated and stressful life, he found the time to express his mathematical thoughts. And the day before he died – in a duel – he wrote down his most important contributions, and made sure they survived. His ideas were revolutionary.

The lesson I take is of scheduling – pursuing your passions in spite of the hardships of life, responsibilities, the distractions of survival; staying true to the fire of intellectual curiosity, digging for structure, formalizing, expressing the ideas you encounter.

Newton, Euclid, Lobachevsky, Einstein

In the history of science and mathematics, so many times established paradigms hindered progress. A great thinker would come along, and invent a new way of thinking, propelling humanity to new heights.

Where others are stumped, they take a step back, and reevaluate the fundamentals – invent new tools, approaches, entirely new ways of seeing the world. Those revelations surpass the solutions in significance.

Newton infused our understanding of the world with predictability. Euclid helped structure the way we think – start from basic principles, check each step of your reasoning. Lobachevsky showed that logically consistent counter-intuitive approaches have immense power, by stepping away from Euclid’s geometry, and considering what others thought absurd – turned out if you break the rules, you reach new heights.

And Einstein took Lobachevsky’s approach to a whole new level, applying it to physics rather than math – making it ok to start with first principles, logical consistency, and derive the world from that, rather than starting with the world and trying to make sense of it.

Albert Einstein

Albert Einstein is too much. His whole life, and way of thinking – is just overwhelming, too much to digest. Almost, I want to not exist when the wrecking train of Einstein’s life and legacy comes passing through my mind. Sometimes, the impact of his work can even be threatening to internalize as positive – nuclear weaponry would be impossible without understanding energy and mass. It’s painful to even think of his responsibility carrying profoundly deep ideas that affected our understanding of not just the Universe, but knowledge itself, through World War II.

Albert Einstein is a black hole of attempting to learn life lessons from. It almost feels blasphemous to attempt extracting a lesson from his life and ways of thinking. However, for myself, I look at the way he thought for lessons. First, I see his courage: challenging the Newtonian Universe and diving into the pits of relativity requires immense hubris and resolve. But for myself, the lesson I choose is his depth of thought.

Switching a gear very deep in the brain – of how a problem is approached in the first place. To me, the Albert Einstein lesson is similar to Elon Musk, who builds the world from first principles – ground up, rather than top down.

This quote from Einstein is so meaty, dense, and almost uncomfortable in the way the thought is laid out, but that is the lesson of shifting the paradigm, of solidifying the foundational layer:

“We can distinguish various kinds of theories in physics. Most of them are constructive. They attempt to build up a picture of the more complex phenomena out of the materials of a relatively simple formal scheme from which they start out. Thus the kinetic theory of gases seeks to reduce mechanical, thermal, and diffusional processes to movements of molecules—i.e., to build them up out of the hypothesis of molecular motion. When we say that we have succeeded in understanding a group of natural processes, we invariably mean that a constructive theory has been found which covers the processes in question.

Along with this most important class of theories there exists a second, which I will call “principle-theories.” These employ the analytic, not the synthetic, method. The elements which form their basis and starting-point are not hypothetically constructed but empirically discovered ones, general characteristics of natural processes, principles that give rise to mathematically formulated criteria which the separate processes or the theoretical representations of them have to satisfy.

Thus the science of thermodynamics seeks by analytical means to deduce necessary conditions, which separate events have to satisfy, from the universally experienced fact that perpetual motion is impossible. The advantages of the constructive theory are completeness, adaptability, and clearness, those of the principle theory are logical perfection and security of the foundations.

The theory of relativity belongs to the latter class” – Einstein, 1919

Darwin, Copernicus

Any path worth treading is fraught with resistance – disbelief, loneliness. The early great scientists showed remarkable courage to go against the status quo, disrupt the most fundamental paradigms of belief in their time.

The lesson is to have faith in yourself; trust what you know to push humanity forward. Time saves truth from falsehood and envy. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fran%C3%A7ois_Lemoyne#/media/File:Time_Saving_Truth_from_Falsehood_and_Envy.jpg

Will Smith

I have a lot of respect for Will Smith. Truthfully, he taught me about integrity. I listened to his raps; he has one which he simply addresses to his son. He talks about the qualities a man should have.

I thought about his lessons – dignity, integrity, honor – and tried to map them to how I perceive Will Smith. It made me think, and look for these qualities in others, and do my best to be a better person.

Elon Musk

Elon Musk taught me to think about big problems, ground up, from first principles.

He talks about this in interviews, but truly the real lesson comes from his actions. The problems he structured his companies around – ecology, global resources, human survival and long-term prosperity – do well to explain how to actually reason from first principles.

He also taught me about thinking in scale, and being fearless to implement ideas that solve problems of scale. When he announced the gigafactory, explained the problem of mass producing batteries for his cars, and how he solved them with this unparalleled production machine – it made a great impact on how I think about problem-solving, and how I currently write my software.

Margaret Thatcher, Coco Chanel

I have a lot of respect for these two indestructible women.

Relentless, with style, they broke all obstacles on their way to manifest their vision. Enviable strength of spirit – perhaps something to learn, as we all have the capacity to push forward the way they did.

Satoshi Nakomoto

Whoever they are/(s)he is – they are a pillar of freedom, democracy, and inspire through the intellectual depth that allowed them to act on their beliefs and enact a groundbreaking change into the world.

Louis De Broglie

In his MIT solid state chemistry class, Donald R. Sadoway gave me a deep lesson from Louis De Broglie.

The lesson is in the power of asking the right questions. Some questions lead to nothing; they have no useful answer. The right questions can spark a breakthrough in understanding.

Louis De Broglie asked a very specific question through his dissertation, that came to change our understanding of the Universe and sparked one of the greatest breakthroughs in quantum mechanics: “If an electron – which is a particle – can behave like a wave, then can light – which is a wave – behave like particles?”.

Hugh Everett & Nils Bohr

Hugh Everett proposed a beautiful theory that had a much more mathematical resolution to an inexplicable feature of quantum mechanics than what was the common belief at the time. Having Hugh Everett develop that theory, instead of what he went off to do, would have been a great boon to mankind. Nils Bohr was the leader of the field, met with Hugh Everett, and shut the idea down.

The meeting is a hero-lesson. It is a lesson of communication; of being receptive to opinions existing before you, and opinions coming after you. In order to sell a world changing idea – like Albert Einstein successfully did – you have to penetrate the anxiety that comes from someone qualified enough to evaluate your idea having to suppress their disbelief and summon an enormous amount of concentration and will to understand what the fuck your idea is, and whether it can possibly be true that everything you believed in up to that point is thusly disproven and disrupted.

What kind of person can drive an idea like that? It’s not Copernicus – he was burned at the stake, because he frustrated the establishment. There may not have been a path for him. But perhaps with the right relationship skills, he would have gotten the right people to get interested, and created a more modest change than a top-down takeover, but would have preserved his life, and applied his genius for many more years.

Abraham Lincoln

I’m not an expert on American history, but what little I know about Abraham Lincoln has been a life lesson for me.

In hardship, show resilience, courage, and honor. When necessary, take on the responsibility of leadership. Never lose your humanity in struggle.

Ben Lund

My boss of 4 years gave me more than I could ever hope for. Sure, he taught me how to be a better engineer, and how to lead, how to contribute, and think about large world problems.

But most importantly, he taught me about purpose: knowing why I do anything I do, what change I’m trying to impact on the world – and, further, since I have purpose in my intention, following through with my actions, and making certain that what I did is consistent with what I intended.

Mom

My mom gave me some of the most important lessons that have guided me through the rest of my life. She taught me to be content, and find happiness in what I have… but truly, most importantly, she gave me boundless love.

Grandmother

My grandmother taught me the importance of family, and to care for the ones I love.

Grandfather

Be a real man – use your hands, know the earth, know your tools: your wrenches, hammers, screwdrivers. Be healthy and strong.

Dad

Most importantly, my dad taught me the value of honest, hard work – to spare no effort, and do whatever is required to get your job done.

Sharp thought

Reflecting on how my thought process has changed over the last year, the sharpening pen ends up being writing:
– Don’t think thoughts I wouldn’t write down
– Don’t think in a manner that I wouldn’t be able to express in writing
– Shorten the distance between thought and expression – always perfèct note taking and improve notation
– Shorten the distance between expression and thought – reading is writing
– Not everything can be written, the abstraction of writing is “expression”
– Thoughts manifest reality as the distance between expression and thought decreases

Ripples of causality…

I’ll go to court if they make me – let them look at what they’re trying to deport in the eye, and tell them that if this isn’t what an American citizen looks like, I don’t want to be in this country.

I’ll fight that battle, I’ll stay in a fucking holding cell for 6 months pending trial. Because America needs it – a wake up call, that immigration is broken. If I don’t deserve to be here – 30 years of age, top of the field in the most in-demand industry on the planet, perfect mastery of the English language – a poet, a writer, a dancer, mathematician, engineer, a musician, an artist – then fuck them and their motherfucking system, fix it.

And hopefully make the world a better place for everyone, because we need to unite. We need to stand up and be better, man up and focus on the opportunities in front of us. Life fucking sucks, but we have the technology to fix it. I’ll go down a fucking martyr, not some deported, jail-ridden lonely wannabe immigrant.

And it breaks my heart to desire that it may make it a better place for Diane. I’ve become a better man. I want to stand up – and change the world. I don’t matter; there’s a bigger picture. I was selfish, trying to build a better life for myself, now I just want to give everything I have, do my best, because I feel like the world belongs to me, and I have a real voice in building the future.

She made me into this person: willing to risk it all, throw everything away, stand up, try to build a business, something I believe in, against all odds, and give everything I am to the woman I’m in love with: Eunice. Life-long ripples of causality culminating at my decision to take a leap of faith, place trust in my cofounders, my life partner – and build a new future together.

These thoughts mark the end of a 3 years long process of mourning, a lonely grievance that strengthens my resolve and fills my heart with love.

Making progress

Focus.

Is the primary resource of the human mind.

It’s what it takes to shape the world, create deliberate change.

It’s what it takes to build a legacy; for me, it’s what it takes to build a company. The skill of being a founder is managing your focus, always choosing the right thing to focus on, then sustaining it.

For real world problems that are complicated and don’t have a well-defined shape, focus is a multi-part endeavor. At first, the right thing to focus on is not obvious, not known – so the thing to focus on is the larger problem – finding the actual smaller things that can be focused on in unraveling the problem. Focus is at first devoted to seeing, not to doing.

What’s wrong in the world? What are the opportunities? Where is the missing cog in the machinery of human civilization? What does it take to build it?

Once the whole and its individual parts are seen step by step through focus, each of the components becomes a thing to focus on. Understanding turns to execution – the more familiar sort of flow.

The key to gracefully performing these shifts and unifying the method of progress is managing levels of abstraction. Switching the level of abstraction that thought is occuring at allows using a unified tool – focus – to make progress on meaty, complex, years long endeavours.

3 items

A  girl told me: “Imagine a white room; it’s empty, but for 3 of your personal items. What are they?”

I thought, and said – I want my guitar, a mirror to practice dancing, and a laptop with internet, so I can study math and physics.

She was skeptical about the laptop; she asked me what the purpose is – what I want to study for; what do I want to find out?

I replied that there is no purpose. It doesn’t have to go anywhere. Learning math and physics is inherently meaningful to me, just as playing guitar, or dancing; I don’t need an audience. I don’t need to become great at it. Simply doing it is already the destination, no further goal needs to exist.

I do have goals, however, I continued. With my career I do have ambitions, and I do want to achieve a certain level – and one of the things I want to achieve is to be free to do the things that are immediately meaningful to me.

Forest for the trees

“… but it’s MY life,” – self-absorbed fragments of  reflection strayed and streamed through my mind, as dire struggles with my basic interview question inevitably closed the door towards the aspirations of a young immigrant graduate Chinese girl sitting in front of me. She just wasn’t very good.

In the same folder where she kept the code for my interview question, I saw interview files for Google, Apple, Amazon, Uber, Twitter. From the way she was thinking about the simple problem I presented, I knew she couldn’t have passed those interviews. I was playing a part in crushing her dreams; maybe she wouldn’t even get to stay in the US.

Perhaps this was a perfect metaphor for me. I felt like my life was falling apart too, as those with the power over my future, nonchalant and carefree, proceeded to make decisions that would devastate my inner world, my own hopes and dreams, and my ambitions.

She was writing out code in silence, slowly. I tried to help, but she asked if she could have a minute, and I didn’t want to make things worse by making her nervous, or disrupting her flow. She was very introverted, lost in her own thoughts, and I’d need to see her thought process to really help her succeed at the interview. At a certain point it’s out of my hands – I have to make an objective evaluation, and there was very little chance she’d make the cut. Clear communication is itself an important skill to get hired as a software engineer.

So I patiently waited for her, as my mind drifted to the struggles that I had been facing. “My immigration status is the largest blocker in my life; there are all these things that I want to do with my life so much greater than what I’m doing. But the lawyer messed up my paperwork, and I’m stuck for 2 years, unable to truly realize my potential, my ambition. They go through a lot of people, and this could have happened to anyone, I just don’t matter that much to the firm, or to the US government, just one life out of many… on a large scale, so inconsequential… But this is MY life. I care about it; it’s the most important thing to me. I have to figure out a way to solve this situation.”

My stomache hurt. I don’t know what I ate, but it’s been haunting me for days; every part of me was aching and broken, and I was doing my best to hide it from her, but she was too lost in the narrowness of her focus to care. I was safe.

It was sad. We could never hire someone who pays so little attention to the world around them, and just sees a task with no understanding for why they’re doing it, what place it has in their life. Just convert specification to code, and shelter away from reality in the obscurity of algorithms and calculation. She was not understanding that the interview evaluates more than just a completed assignment handed over through a barrier of anonymity. The way she connects with co-workers is just as important, we should work together to resolve her issues solving the problem.

I’ve made similar mistakes in my career, and in my personal life; in evaluating my priorities. It’s easier to be narrow – it’s almost a form of escapism, just focusing on the things you can do, and ignoring the larger context that your problems exist in. My boss tells me it’s my direct responsibility to know why – as far as the company’s goals go – I’m working on what I am working on; to question it, and course-correct if the “what” doesn’t align with the “why”.

I wish I understood these matters better in my failed relationships.

“What do I do now? I’ve resolved to leave the past behind, and conquer the world – to do my best, to contribute as much as I can, serve the people I love. Do I leave this country, go build a cryptocurrency business? The opportunity is now; and that is the opportunity in the world of software right now. There is nothing holding me behind. My immigration status in this country is coming to an end, and the next step is so far away; my future is wrought with uncertainty. I can find funding, and go do a business – like I always wanted. There is nothing holding me back but fear, uncertainty, a need for continuity.”

These thoughts creep up on me. I’ve been thinking about the next steps for my life for months now; these huge decisions lay a heavy burden on my shoulders, and I never know how to approach them; they mix and shuffle with scattered feelings, a longing for comfort and authority, someone I can rely on. As I watch my interview candidate struggle to understand the structure of a simple algorithm question, I wonder if we’re both stumbling in the darkness – if only I stood from a higher pedestal of mental clarity and sharpness, the answers would be apparent to me.

It’s my destiny. It’s my life. What is the right path forward? Do I quit, risk it all – my status in the US, my career – and do what I want? Do I resign to this holding pattern that circumstances have forced me into? What of my relationships in this country?

Here I am, thinking of the timescale and path of leaving my company, potentially breaking ties with everything I’ve worked to build over the last 5 years, while trying to help a girl pass her interview, and talking about how our company is the best to work for at a career fair. I realize every person has these neverending personal life struggles, and we make it work with the work we do. In a way I felt happy that the girl allowed my mind to drift into its own private oblivion. But on the other hand, I’d be happier to engage my candidate; I would never allow myself to not be fully present with a person who is reaching out, and trying to connect.

We’re running out of time; she doesn’t even know that what she’s focusing on is a tiny part of the problem I want to present. I start giving her hint after hint, and eventually, she arrives at an answer, though just for the little chunk she was stuck on. I arrive at no conclusion for myself about my life. I’m lost in an endless soup of decisions and emotions, both tempted to take bold steps, and afraid to lose what I have in making them. Perhaps like her, I’m failing to recognize the broader context of my decisions, and my focus is too narrow. Perhaps I need to take a step back, and see the forest for the trees.

Wanting

There is no point wanting what you can’t have.

I want to live in a quiet area with the person I love, in a humble house, play guitar, make video games, work on my singing, dance tango, learn to do handstands, every sort of art, think about the world, read books on mathematics and physics, solve puzzles, problems…

That’s expensive.

If I live my whole life chasing that dream, I’m not living my life.

So I think the right attitude is to want the opportunity in front of you. Maybe I’d be better off doing machine learning, and an opportunity to do block chain is in front of me. Maybe I’d be better off living on a farm and studying art, but I’m here in the US, on a work visa that allows and forces me to work in software, and that’s the opportunity I have.

There is something to love about seeing the problem, or challenge – opportunity – in front of you and attacking it. Instead of thinking there is a different challenge better suited for you.

I respect humility, and I respect peace; a life of meditation, humble growth, service, and love.

But that’s not what it takes to attack the problem that’s in front of me. It takes a different character, and that is what can rise to the opportunity that I do have, rather than what I wish I had. So as I adapt, instead of cultivating the peace of mind I looked to cultivate doing art, I study a different part of my mind, one less peaceful and more ambitious – impatient, incessant, daring, passionate, fearless.

Though deep inside, dormant, at times forgotten, has to rest a truer form; one searching peace and simplicity.

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Saturation 2

I want to lead a daring, colorful life.

Achievement, experiment, excitement, major milestone, major milestone, life changing revelation, epic place of dreams I’ve never been to, invention, overcoming challenge. You scroll through my facebook feed and it’s just like holy fuck how does anyone live like this.

But every day can’t be achievement, or life changing revelation.

There is a pace to the exceptional, and if it happens daily, it’s not exceptional. If I go to the Philippines once it’s exciting, what a man of mystery. But if I’m just living there it’s same old, might as well be gray and not extravagant sunset orange skies, milky white sand dunes, and emerald green crystal ocean.

To me, the every day would be great. But for someone who found out I live in the Philippines once, seeing great weather day picture #247 is the same as just seeing the first few.

Having every day be filled with excitement and reaching milestones is not a real thing to want. It’s just impatience, and insatiable hunger that leads nowhere. It’s a distraction from the flow of excellence, of striving to learn, and doing your best. It’s a goal, not a way of life, an addiction, not a path.

However, there has to be a way to organize life such that it is filled with novelty and overcoming great challenges. Finding new kinds of challenges, learning every day, planting new seeds that take years to grow. And eventually it will come time to reap them all; and maybe life then can be like holy fuck how does anyone live like this.