“Don’t waste your energy” – a friend once told me. I was being dumb; I thought I was getting something for myself, taking what I want from the world. What I was really doing was devoting my limited, priceless energy to a cause that served no purpose I believe in. I was stumbling in darkness, failing to see that I merely have no plan for myself in those circumstances. Instead of taking what I want, I was satisfying primitive desires, being a slave to impulse.
I’d done that mistake countless times before, and I’ve done it countless times since.
Today, I was forced to face this ever changing, shapeshifting issue once again. How am I spending my time? Are my actions aligned with my beliefs, and what I truly want to achieve? Or am I swiveling about, lost and confused, unaware of my own blindness and the chaos that my actions breed, as I aimlessly wander from my path in endless tangents?
It can be a painful and scary thing to consider.
I was talking with my mentor, and he outlined the ways in which I’m not succeeding. I proposed that it’s merely a problem, that a number of solutions come to mind, and it’s a matter of learning, adapting, experimenting, and growing – having a model of the problem, measuring the outcomes, and seeing how they respond to changes. He agreed with all the approaches I outlined, and was supportive of the general direction of thought.
But he went a step deeper, and asked me about my routines outside of work. He asked me what time I go to bed, whether my apartment is clean, whether I drink, or smoke, or do other drugs, how often. He suggested that the best thing I can do is to have a stable sleep schedule.
I said the reason my apartment is messy, and the reason I go to bed late is the same – I come home, and I work on projects, until I fall asleep. And I don’t go to sleep on a schedule, because I get into my projects, and want to keep working.
But I could see what he was doing. He was taking every time slot I have, and questioning whether it contributes to success, to my goals as he sees them.
This model of living is not one of two worlds – doing work so that you can get to the thing you actually want to do. It’s a model of optimizing your life to succeed at work, organizing your life around it. And to a large degree he has done that with his own life, as have many other successful people I know.
I’ve always thought I’m special, though. I’ve told myself stories of how guitar practice, dance practice – organize my mind in some not fully comprehensible way, to give me an advantage. Though truly, focusing directly on a single problem – could likely yield greater benefits for that one problem, and get you farther down the road of success.
I’ve always thought I’m special, though. I’ve told myself that I can use the tools for thought I gain in my life as an engineer, a mathematician, working on rigorous thought – to contribute back to things I enjoy where that sort of approach is not common. The other side of the excuse. Ironically recursive.
And so I was at the edge of a cliff at the mountains of the energy I’m granted every day, looking down at the valleys of opportunity. True beauty comes from depth; perhaps I’ve spread myself too thin, and breadth has limited my depth?
Today I thought – am I wasting my energy? Instead of taking something for myself from dance, and music – perhaps instead I’m the one devoting my limited, priceless energy to problems that are… beneath me? Beneath what I should be focusing on, what can truly elevate me in life? Perhaps I’m stumbling in darkness, and limiting my success, because I’m not focused on a singular cause?
A painful thought.
I don’t think it’s fully true. I think the resolution of the two worlds lies much deeper. The purpose of a life is not to win, significance is between the lines. The boldest paths are never straight; the outcome of a gauntlet thrown to the universe is never known. I can’t be slave to a destination.
I think increasingly, I do need to be very serious about the energy I have; not throw it around, trying to share and make everyone happy. Know its true value, and make sure it’s realized. Understand very clearly what’s a waste of time, and very clearly how what I do fits in with where I’m going in life. I need to crystallize my goals, so it takes no effort to decide if something is worth doing, and I should always have several things worth doing in front of me, and further refining my goals to only choose a few of those.
One last note.
It can be very hard to be present when striving for that sort of focus. Be open to the moment, or detached from outcomes. I think fundamentally, the model should start with being your best in the circumstances you’re in, and deciding what to do is about placing yourself in the right circumstances to shine. I think being present in the moment is in great conflict with being focused on a longer term goal – unless the people around you all contribute to that long term goal.
I think too often I find myself in groups of people who aren’t so focused, people in different stages in life, or different approaches to living. Perhaps I should be careful to surround myself with people with similar goals, and similar drive.